Friday, October 29, 2010


Stupid hourlies have finally come to an end. Yay. As usual, this week of prolonged academic horror gave me more material for nerd-bashing. So here goes.

About two weeks before the hourlies, I came across this one nerd who was freaking out about one of our Finance courses. 'Hourlies are in two weeks!' she exclaimed, even before I had the chance to say hi or hello. 'Did you know that?'

'Yeah,' I said, acting like the cool person I am. So yeah.

'I have to go to a shadi tonight, and a birthday party tomorrow. I so have to start studying. Have you started studying?'

'Me? Abhi sae? No,' I shook my head, thinking of how to steer the conversation away from such nerdy issues. Nerd- talk gives me hives. No, seriously.

'Have you bought the book for the course?' she continued to pester me. Maybe that's one part of the cerebrum rote learning fails to develop - the ability to pick up hints.

'No, I'm going to do my notes,' I told her.

Her forehead creased with worry. 'Do you think we should get the book?'

'I'm not going to get it. Our teacher didn't say he would be giving stuff from it.'

'So you're not getting it?'


That finally shut her up. For ten minutes max.

As the week of the hourlies drew closer, it led to greater procrastination on my end and an increasing sense of trepidation on the part of the nerds. Hordes of them clustered around the printers in the library lab, which were spewing out reams and reams of slide printouts. If any non-nerd even dared to approach any one of the printers, a look of vile nerd venom was shot in his/ her direction. That would leave said non-nerd in a dazed state for the next half hour or so.

Don't you DARE approach this printer, or else.

The facebook statuses followed soon after. The annoying part wasn't simply the fact that they were nerdy. For some time, they were quite bearable. When a nerd puts up a status that says 'KSL is studying Corporate Law' (read: is rattofying all the handouts back to back until they can narrate them in their sleep), all I can do is roll my eyes and ignore it. It's when the nerds think that their creative juices have begun flowing and use them to concoct statuses that make me hurl. Needless to say, I did not take kindly to statuses that suggested that

a) Security Analysis was creating 'insecurity' amongst the student population

b) Ethics had forced them to resort to 'unethical' means,

or that....well, you get the drift.

It is amazing to see how people unite in the face of a national crisis, or rather a university-wide one. Nerds and non-nerds alike festoon the tables in the library where they pore over the aforementioned printouts. These pre-hourly sessions of cramming ultimately take the form of picture albums titled 'Semester Madness/ Mayhem'or something equally riduculous that would suggest madness in the form of a wild party with a pinata. The pictures, however, would display nerds in all their dark-circled glory hunched over a stack of notes. Any other pictures would be close-ups of pages in textbooks where they'd have drawn stick figures or circled some word with a double meaning. After the hourlies, a further examination of '10 new photos added' is bound to reveal close-ups of each paper with marks of at least 18 and above (out of 20').

Note: If a nerd only puts up five close-ups instead of six, he/she got bad marks in that paper for sure. Something like a 17.9.

The irony here is that the moment one's hourlies come to an end, people start putting up statuses like 'Finally! FREE! EEE!' No one could have guessed that this happiness is short-lived, and that in about fifteen hours we will have dragged ourselved back to university and will be slumbering over early morning lectures on brands and capitalization of assets.


Which is precisely why I never indulge in putting up an EEE!-ing status.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Elections! Whoopee!!!

Once again, for the gazillionth time (ok, the fourth time) since I've started university, the start of the term was marked by the one event that is remotely interesting for some, and a matter of life and death for many. Like Jedi warriors, hordes of students battle furiously as interglalactic (read: inter-campus) forces of good and evil. However, instead of lightsabers, they sport- nothing. Blegh. It's just a battle of good old bitching and backstabbing- 'games', they call them.

For those of you who don't know much about them, elections are monumental. The end of elections marks the beginning of the reign of people who rule university throughout the academic year, occassionally stealing money out of uni funds to get a headstart on the car they want to get once they graduate. It may be because one wants to get back at a political rival/ be an attention-seeker to the max/ brag about how he's going to work at PnG and be be the VP of such a prestigious university. Nevertheless, there are many who aspire to be in the thick of planning and plotting, have slumber parties at the boys hostel, make ridiculous freshies swoon (when are our election candidates ever really hot?) and eventually win the the most coveted posts.
This semester, I have an awesome timetable. It allows me to sleep through three hours of classes on four days, and sleep at home for the remaining two days. So this time, I was mercifully oblivious to most of the election proceedings. Even then, a number of irksome incidents took place, and of course, I absolutely must talk about them.

For freshies and juniors, elections are a novelty. After days of mugging up for A levels/ Inter exams, Anees Hussain-ing/ IBA Grad-ing, and getting bored during the summer vacations, they crowd around election candidates like bright-eyed kids in a candy shop, ooh-ing and aah-ing at all the 'leadership' spiel being dished out. Our new VP was  certainly in his element, with loads of ex-students from Anees Hussain hanging on to every word of his. Some juniors were misled into believing that they were his core campaigners, and went about ensuring that everyone else felt so.

On Saturday, as I wended my way through the throng of people milling about in the corridor, I was ambushed my a number of campaigners. Absolutely everyone who's best friend/ boy friend was standing up had lined up, beseeching me 'Please vote for Shahzeb/ Daniah/ Ali Abbas/ XYZ'. Worse were the candidates themselves 'Please vote for meeeee.....Please vote for're voting for me right?' like the annoying ancient zamanay kae songs my dad plays on repeat in the car and I can't shake out of my head. Right in front of the library, my way was blocked by this junior.

'Maryam, please vote for Saad Khaleel, please,' she pleaded. 'You're voting for Saad Khaleel right?'

My eyebrows shot up. I mean hello, this junior, this JUNIOR, was asking ME, to vote for Saad Khaleel. I've known Teddy really well for three years, so I immediately thought of saying 'Excuse me! I think I know who to vote for, and considering it's him you're asking me to select!' But the nice person that I am, I bit back all the bitchy remarks that broiled in my head and just nodded.

She looked relieved. 'Oh really, thank you,' she chirped gratefully, as if I'd done her a huge favour. As if I had decided to vote for Teddy just because she had asked me to. Two minutes before I was about to cast my vote.

Let me mention that this particular junior is of the attention-seeking variety. Sadly, some lame juniors like her jump onto the campaigning bandwagon and forget who they're talking to.

Come senior year, and some embittered souls decide that it's finally time that they act all knowledgeable about election candidates. They will promptly launch into speeches about how so and so candidate has mauled, molested, and threatened them for the last three years, and that it is imperative that they bring about his downfall this year. Which is why they bitch like embittered old women, dying to hog all the glory and saying 'I made him lose.' Like Overexcited Classmate.

A loserly tent had been set up near the admin office. As I stood in line, an Overexcited Classmate and a Bored Guy took their places behind me. Under the watchful eye of one of the guards, the line shuffled forward at a snail's pace. I winced in the glare of the sun, feeling more bored by the minute.

A voice hissed 'Boy, who are you voting for?' It was OC.

BG yawned and answered 'Of course, Teddy. Why? You're voting for the opposition, right?'

OC was obviously high on something. He hopped around like a nervous bunny. 'BOY! Don't vote for Teddy. Has he ever really spoken to you? Kabhi Teddy Bear ban jatay hai aur kabhi Panda. He's not reliable!' 

Apparently someone on an overdose of PLE (Philosophy, Logic and Ethics).

The line moved forward. BG looked annoyed. 'Whatever, man! Does it really matter? These guys don't have much power now! And anyway, I'm voting for Teddy.'

'Na kar yaar!' OC wailed, hoping to get a convert out of him. 'Vote for the opposition! Vote for the opposition!' he chanted, like an ominous mantra.

Whoever said that repetition drilled ideas into your head was obviously mistaken. Sometimes, it annoys the hell out of people. BG squinted at the shining sun, shifted his feet impatiently and burst out 'Kya hai yaar! Mujhay nahin karna vote! I'm going home. I think the point's here.'

OC was apalled. 'Yaar ruk! Vote to kar kae ja!' he pleaded, as if addressing a naraaz lover. But BG paid no heed and happily scampered over to Gate 1, out of sight.

The most annoying person, however, was somebody my sister came across. She was at the LearnFest being held at Sheraton when a text bubbled up on her screen. It was Psychotic Senior.

'Oh hey, I was just wondering, who are you voting for in the elections?'

'Haha, why? Who do you want me to vote for? :P' asked my sister.

'Me? No, I was just asking because I've been out of touch with the election scene lately, and I don't knoq anyone who's in it this time. Are ABC and XYZ standing up for anything?'

'ABC is, I don't know who XYZ is. And it's ok, you can tell me who you're campaigning for.'

'Me? I'm not campaigning for anyone. And it's ok, I got my answer. You're a bad liar. Tee hee.'

PS is one of the very few girls who keep tabs on minute-by-minute election proceedings. Right then, she also sounded like a girl who had become delusional and demented because of that.

My sis scowled. 'Lying?! You're the one who's a bad campaigner!' she texted furiously.

'I wonder why you're lying about this, when you don't even have a big stake in this,' PS shot back. Apparently, she was just high on retardedness.

My sister ignored a text, and PS started bombarding her with them. What then ensued was bitchy bantering between the two, which grew more heated by the minute.

Finally, when PS was done with her retarded rampage, she texted 'Dude, I just wanted to know who you were voting for. So I just texted all my friends.'

My sister and PS are so not friends. They've hardly ever spoken to each other, and we later found out that she had gotten my sister's number just then from another friend.

People like PS really top the list of annoying people. They are mostly ex-veterans who campaigned vigorously for someone the preceding year, can't bear the idea of being ignored this year, and are mistaken in believing that they can act like a current candidate's secret weapon. Unfortunately, the only place they end up being mentioned is on a blog. Like mine.