Friday, September 24, 2010

Why I Hate Nerds- Part II

Since I'm just warming up on the subject of nerds, it's tough to sift through memories of all of my encounters with them. Tougher to come up with the retardest ones. Anyway, another reason why I hate nerds will be illustrated by the following story:

It was a fine February morning, and the weather of Karachi was crisp and cold. Our last exam had ended, and a friend of mine was giving me a ride back home. Friend and her Mom were in front; Friend's Mom was driving. The car swished through the dry air, and I clutched at the car seat uncomfortably. The reason for my discomfort was the fact that I wasn't alone in the back of the car- I was smushed together with three other people. Little Nerd, Paindu Nerd and Non-nerdy Guy.

Paindu is a difficult word to describe. For me, it just doesn't stand for someone who wears loud colours or has a retarded fashion sense. Rather, it denotes an unrefined way of life, attitude and mannerisms. In that twenty minute car ride, Paindu Nerd pretty much summed herself as all of the abovementioned characteristics.

PN, like Uber Nerd, also has a tremendously high GPA, Mashallah sae. However, it is sad to see that this high GPA has not translated itself from grades to 'education', for want of a better word. PN was high after having aced the exam (in her opinion) and couldn't stop blabbering about it. Her incessant stream of blathering had commenced from the lobby, till the parking lot, getting seated in the car, and was still on.

'LN, what did you write for the answers to Questions 1 and 2?' piped up PN in an extra high-pitched voice. That's another annoying thing about nerds- they like to recite each and every word they've penned down in an exam. Like people dissecting every detail of a cricket match after the game, multiplied by a million times mundane.

'I wrote about the Utilitarian Theory, the Rights Theory and the Justice Theory,' LN announced triumphantly.

PN, not wanting to be outdone, spoke up again 'Oh, but I also wrote about the Care Theory,' and beamed around as if expecting us to applause.

LN looked downcast. I was least bothered, since I didn't have the same teacher as they did, and yawned. Non-nerdy Guy, obviously bored, looked out of the window.

However, PN would not settle for being ignored. No sirree. I think she knows that I hate her, and that I would've bitchslapped her to the other end of the world if she had tried to engage me in a conversation. So she paused briefly and targeted the only other polite person in the backseat- NG.

'NG, what did you write for those two questions?'

The car careened over a winding bridge. Did I mention that PN is obnoxiously fat, and was the main reason why I wasn't sitting comfortably in the car? Apparently she was so busy nailing down all those Ethics theories that she had never bothered to learn basic stuff. Like sitting in a car, for starters.

NG cleared his throat and decided to be polite. 'Um, I wrote more or less the same stuff,' he drawled casually.

If he was hoping that that would shut up PN, he was sadly mistaken. Because this was PN, who is like, the grand-daddy of all nerds. Grand-mummy. Or whatever.

'Oh, but did you put in examples?' she trilled in a tone that made me cringe.

NG smiled ruefully. 'Nope.' And he went back to staring out of the window.

LN squirmed uncomfortably, and said 'I didn't either. I didn't think it was that important.'

At that moment, I so hated LN that I would've strangled her alive. Overlooking my pact not to harm harm-less nerds.

That was the moment PN had been waiting for. She aahed and oohed, and preened in all her paindu glory.

'But the instructions in the beginning explicitly stated that you had to put in examples,' she argued.

Since PN was sitting right behind me, her gravelly voice made me wince.

Nobody had taught LN to shut up at the right time either. 'But the instructions said "use examples where possible". So I think that doesn't make it compulsory.'

PN huffed and puffed like a disgruntled elephant. 'But-'

Friend's Mom, who had so far been trying to ignore PN's racuous voice chimed in 'Where do I have to drop you, PN?'

'No LN, you're wrong. Those two questions said "illustrate with examples", and there were a lot of examples that were applicable.' PN bellowed, totally ignoring Friend's Mom. Which was downright rude of her. Any rational, normal, non-nerd, would have known that. But no, not PN. When she gets down to embarassing herself, she does it thoroughly.

So, PN decided to outdo that level of rudeness and take it up another notch. I saw Friend's Mom visibly stiffen up, and reiterate 'PN, where do I have to drop you?'

PN shamelessly continued with her tirade. 'There was this example about the care theory that I wrote-'

Friend twisted around in her seat and directly addressed her. 'PN, where do we have to stop for you?'

PN gasped for breath like an oxygen starved fish, and continued blathering.

Friend's Mom cut in again, irritated like hell. 'WHERE DO I HAVE TO DROP YOU?'

PN opened her mouth like a gaping fish again, and said firmly 'EK MINUTE!' (Just a sec)

*dramatic music*

*dramatic music on repeat*

Friend's Mom was shell-shocked.

I bit back a cry of 'EW!!!!'

PN's spittle had landed on the back of my neck. 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

 I wiped it off with the edge of my dupatta. And never wore that dupatta ever ever again.

PN rambled on in that raspy voice of hers. 'Yeah, so I hope he approves of all my examples. Because if he doesn't, I might end up getting an-' Hushed voice. '-A minus.'

PN paused for dramatic effect. NG had long stopped paying attention, and LN had her head bowed in defeat, as if in acknowledgement of the superior nerdiness of PN.

I was disgusted beyond comparison. PAINDU. NERD. SPITTLE. ON THE BACK OF MY NECK.

PN bristled like a stout hen (yes, she does resemble a number of creatures depending upon the occasion) and finally burst out her address.

I felt more spittle spray on  to the back of my neck. I think the second time it even caught some of my hair.

3 comments:

The One and Only Roxie said...

I went to high school with a lot of people like this. And in college, there's always been that good that absolutely MUST outdo you in EVERYTHING. It's really annoying. I share you pain.

Alpha Za said...

Haha, I know how you feel. You've definitely brought the stereotype to life. Pity you couldnt have stopped at the closest library and rolled her out the car.

MK said...

Roxie: Tell me about it. I can't wait to graduate next year and never see these people ever ever again. Btw my email id is on the last blog- have you added me yet?

Alpha Za: Haha! I would have, if it had been my car :(